 ALIANTHA |
| ALIANTHA |
For more information email info@aliantha.org
GENTLETALK
Honesty is a challenging requirement in any relationships. We often hide much of what we think and feel about other people with the hopes we will avoid conflict and embarassment. But the hiding of feelings from those we wish to be close to invariably causes distance, not intimacy, because they do not get to see the real person, only what we let them see.
GentleTalk is a simple method for helping us be honest with each other. The technique is not new - it comes from many other well-thought out systems for intimacy and conflict resolution. We have created our own version to meet our own needs.
We occasionally hold workshops on GentleTalk, and have more detailed written descriptions. Here is a simple overview of the process.
What we want to accomplish is:
Learning how to be honest and say what we feel
Learning how to present our feelings in a non-threatening way
Learning how to receive others' feelings without defensivenes
We seek to be gently honest with each other as quickly as possible, so that feelings do not multiply misunderstandings in our relationships.
A Simple Primer on GentleTalk
HOW TO GIVE GENTLETALKGentle Honesty is done whenever someone realizes they are holding feelings against someone that need to be revealed in order to keep the relationship close and intimate. It can be done with two people or in a structured setting with a facilitator who keeps both parties feeling safe.
HOW TO RECEIVE GENTLETALKFACT - state any facts that both people can agree on. "You stepped on my toe." Do not state anything that is controversial as fact.
FANTASY - state anything else as your personal reality, not as objective reality. "I imagined you were mad at me." "I thought I saw you laugh."
FEELING - state how you felt - angry, sad, afraid, jealous, etc. "I got really pissed." Do not give opinions, judgements, or theories, only simple feelings.
FAVOR - always say something you appreciate about the other person. You are doing this process because you value the relationship - let them know why you value it.
RELAX - this is not an attack. They need you to hear their feelings so they can be closer to you. Do not try to fix or defend.
REFOCUS - if you find yourself reacting with strong feelings, make a mental note of them, then refocus on the other person. They need your full attention on their feelings. Express your feelings later after they feel fully heard.
REPEAT - repeat back what they said in your own words - don't embellish or interpret. "So you felt angry when I stepped on your toe." If they aren't satisfied, keep trying until you can repeat what they said to their satisfaction.
RELATE - put yourself in their shoes and try to relate to their point of view. If you can, tell them that it makes sense to you that they feel as they do, that you would feel that way, too, in those circumstances.
Reverse roles and repeat the process. Continue until both people have expressed all they need to express. If carried out completely, most issues have resolved themselves when both people feel heard.
For more information email info@aliantha.org
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