Willingness to work on issues
We recognize that we all have "issues" - things within
us that occasionally cause us to act irrationally, hurtfully, against our own best
interest. We recognize that we alone are responsible for our issues, and that we
can ask for help from others to resolve them. Aliantha is a healing community, and it is
to our mutual benefit to work on our issues so that we can be free from compulsive
behavior that can sabotage our relationships. We are willing to look and work on our
issues to the best of our ability.
Aliantha seeks to create a culture that frees
us from some of the restrictions inherent in the culture around us. We seek to find ways
of healthy living, in our individual lives, in our relationships, and in the community we
seek to build. We are open to all paths that work, and believe in the freedom of the
individual to choose the path right for him. We also believe that by working together, we
can achieve far more than we ever could working alone. |
Transparency
Aliantha strives for transparency in our relationships with each
other. Transparency means that you do not hide or distort your feelings - you allow
yourself to be seen by others just as you really are. In our society, it is often
considered impolite to say anything negative, or to talk about being angry or depressed.
It is usually not acceptable to talk about your discomfort in the middle of a party, or to
gently tell someone when what they are doing annoys you.In Aliantha, we seek to be honest
about our emotions - to say what we are feeling in a direct, honest, non-blaming,
non-judgmental way. We talk in "I" statements, not "you" statements -
we talk about what we feel, and strive to be as honest as we can.
In our relationships, we strive to use gentle honesty as a way of overcoming
negative feelings between us. We commit ourselves to sitting down with someone we have an
issue with, and striving to understand and be understood. We seek to avoid theory and
opinion, and strive instead to tell of our experience. While this is hard to do, and none
of us are perfect, it is the direction we hope to go.
As with touch, honesty is also based on existing relationships. People are more
likely to open their deep feelings to someone they have an existing relationship with than
a new person at an event. No one is required to dump their guts - but we try to create a
safe space so that when people want to share feelings, it is less difficult to do so. |
Touch
Aliantha originally came from a club called CuddleBuddies, which
was focused on safe touch.
The culture of CuddleBuddies is still very alive and well in Aliantha. We believe that we,
as adult human beings, need regular touch in our lives to be healthy. We tend to do a lot
of hugging, cuddling, and massaging, regardless of gender. In our more intimate events, we
often do group massage, puppy piles (a group of people cuddled together), and hot tubbing.
Some of our events have "unstructured cuddle time", a period of time when
people can snuggle, hug, cuddle, and massage in a relaxed and open way. This includes hot
tubbing and puppy piling.This aspect of our community can sometimes be confusing to new
people, who may feel they don't know the "rules". Here are some suggestions,
known as the CuddleBuddies Guidelines, to keep these nurturing times safe for
everyone:
Ask. Always ask before you hug, cuddle, massage,
or touch in any other way, unless you know the person well enough to accurately predict
what they are comfortable with.Everyone has the right to limit how they are touched in
whatever way makes them feel safe. Receive a "no"graciously and without
question.
Give. We give touch to bless the person we are
touching, not to meet our desire to touch. Find out what people want, and try your best to
meet their wishes.If you want touch, ask for it.
Include. Make any activity available to everyone
present - avoid creating exclusive groups. Be aware of others in the room and their
feelings. If someone looks left out, welcome them to join you.
Talk. Be aware of what feelings you have and
express them in the moment using "I" statements. Talking honestly and personally
about what you are experiencing internally is one of the best ways of creating real
intimacy between people.
Nurture. The purpose of our touch is to nurture,
not arouse. Overt sexual activites are off-limits - prolonged or deep kissing, and
touching breasts or genitals with hands. The bottom line is always the way your actions
affect others in the group. A good rule of thumb isto consider if your activity would be
appropriate with children present.
Accept. Touch and cuddling is not automatically
a sign of romantic interest. Accept cuddling for what it is and don't assume what isn't
spoken.
We have a "designated angel" at our
events who is there to help with any feelings that arise, like feeling excluded,
uncomfortable with any activity, confused, or just lonely. If something disturbs
you, seek out the angel, or another member of Aliantha, and tell what is going on for you. |
ALIANTHA